Children and anger

I frequently get enquiries about children who are angry and displaying aggressive behaviour.  The parent is at their wits end having tried everything in their power to stop the outbursts, the school is threatening to exclude the child and with this there are many fears and fantasies about the youngsters’ future. 

Just as with adults it is important to teach the child that anger (the feeling) is a natural emotion telling us something is wrong but the aggression (behaviour) is not an OK way of expressing it. 

Ideally, from the very early days teach your child about emotions by naming them regularly; “you’re very excited about going to the zoo today”, “you look so sad when Grandma goes home”, “you have such a happy face in this photograph”, “it’s frustrating when your brother spoils your game” and so on. 

Teach your child to 'catch' the negative emotion before the destructive behaviour kicks in; to count to ten, walk away and do something else for a few minutes or ask for help.

When your child becomes angry, name the emotion and ask them if there is anything you can do to help them.  The supportive feeling of being understood and sense of being cared enough about to be helped should bring down the anger, or at least stop it flaring up even more.  In time they will learn to deal with these difficult times more appropriately.

One of the best things you can do for your child is to be a role model by dealing with difficult situations in the way you would like your child to deal with them!  After all, children copy the significant adults in their life; parents first, then teachers and in time peers. 

If all the above is in place and your child suddenly starts feeling angry and being aggressive check out for underlying causes.  Has there been a major change in family circumstances; house move, new baby or parental arguments/split, bereavement.  Has the child changed schools, gone up a class, are they finding a subject difficult, struggling with a teacher, are they being bullied.  Frequently behind anger is hurt.

I have fetched children from the  waiting room who have been referred for counselling because of anger issues only to  find them supping on a fizzy drink or chomping on a bag of sweets!  I always check out diet where there is anger.  Sugar gives us a surge of energy and can aggravate an already agitated nervous system.  There is an amazing 10 teaspoonfuls of sugar in an average sized can of popular fizzy drink, this will cause energy levels to suddenly rise and then just as quickly drop onto the floor, causing an emotional roller coaster.  Caffeine is also a major enemy to our nervous system and can make us hyper or put us on ‘red alert’.  So if your child is consuming sugary and caffeinated food and drinks their body will be overloaded and the slightest upset could send them into a rage.  

Sugar and caffeine can be addictive and care must be taken when weaning your child off such unhelpful consumables, plus expect them to object!  

Remember your young person is still learning about their emotions, body and the world around them.  Be persistent and consistent in your kindly dealing with their frustrations and anger issues.  Set firm and fair boundaries around inappropriate behaviours. 

The feeling of anger and aggressive behaviour can be very frightening to a young person.  Their being out of control is potentially as scary to them as those around them.  We hear of people describing it as a red mist surrounding them, some don't even get that much warning.

Whether it is the terrible two's or teenage hormones, tantrums and aggression is not acceptable and needs to be modified.

I shall end on the most important parent/child advice I could ever give and that is to praise, praise, praise your child and enthusiastically describe what it is you are pleased to see them doing.  This encourages more of the behaviours you want from your youngster, we all like to be praised!  When there is plenty of praise and affection in place a child will learn to deal with the negative feelings more quickly and responsibly.

Joy Hazlehurst is a Counsellor at The Hope Street Centre.

If you would like to book an appointment with her please call: 0788-196-6122.