How to help someone in distress

A persons emotional distress can be very difficult to witness and we can do much in that moment to ease or compound that distress.  Often our own discomfort or fear of that distress causes us to try and 'rescue' and/or 'calm down' that person but in so doing we frequently make the situation much worse.

Such comments as...  Cheer up.  Don't stress yourself.  That's life.  Don't let them get to you.  Stop now and dry those tears.  Pull yourself together.  Its your hormones.  It's the drink talking.  You don't mean it, you're upset ... although usually well-meaning are generally reflections of what we (the onlooker) think/want, either because the onlooker genuinely wants the person to be OK or actually cannot cope with their distress.  But this is not about the onlooker it's about the person in distress.  Such comments can also infer that the distressed person is distressed on purpose and can just switch it off; adding guilt and hurt to their distress. If the distressed person has an adverse reaction to such statements as the above, please do not go into "I'm only trying to help" mode as this may invoke an emotional outburst from the already distressed person or for the distressed person to go into appeasing and rescuing the onlooker; neither of which are useful or positive outcomes.

The above comments can cause the distressed person to feel unheard, misunderstood, belittled, silly, patronised, defensive, frustrated, angry, furious etc.  Depending on the distressed persons character and the cause of distress they may dutifully calm down to save further difficulty for the onlooker or fight their corner in an effort to be understood; both unhealthy outcomes for the distressed person.  If they dutifully calm down they are bottling their emotions which will either spill out again and again at other times or if the distressed person is unable to expell their emotions in a healthy way they may, long term, become mentally or physically ill.  On top of this relationships / friendships can fail due to the mishandling of such difficult times.

So what can the onlooker do to help?

• Stay calm and listen.
• Do not be afraid of the distress, the person will be afraid enough in their own right without carrying your fear too.
• Depending on the situation ask if there is anything you (the onlooker) can do to help.
• Allow the distressed person to say what they need to say, even if it sounds like gibberish to the onlooker - it needs to come out; as the onlooker you don't have to agree or disagree with the distressed person, or even totally understand for that matter.
• Maybe from-time-to-time reflect back the distressed persons feelings; be careful that this doesn't sound patronising though.
• Occasionally repeat (paraphrase) what the distressed person is saying so that they feel heard and understood.
• If the onlooker really does not understand what is being said, occasionally ask clarifying questions.
• If the distressed person is crying supply them with tissues to help them keep their dignity not because the onlooker wants the tears to stop; they do stop in time.  Tears are healing; see my article on 'How crying can help'.
• Gently say things like "that's it, let it all come out", "this is all so painful". 
• Don't tell the distressed person you "know how they feel"  because YOU DON'T; you may have witnessed exactly the same situation even at the same time, but there will be huge differences; we are unique and have individual experiences / views / needs.
•  Do not give the distressed person solutions to the problem "what you must do is......"; your solutions may work well for you but may be the worst ever for the distressed person.  The distressed person has to find their own way through the quagmire for peace of mind to be found.
• It's OK to offer ideas like "have you thought of......"  but don't get defensive or frustrated if the distressed person does not accept your idea; they may do at a later date (or they may not). 
• Do not try to make the distressed person laugh, this is you wanting the distress to end.  They will smile / laugh if and when they are ready.

Joy Hazlehurst is a Counsellor at The Hope Street Centre.

If you would like to book an appointment with her please call: 0788-196-6122.